The black dog

Winston Churchill was plagued with depression, which he referred to as his 'Black Dog'.
Recently, I have been living with a black dog, & the dog does not belong to me, but to my boyfriend. He is suffering with depression, & I have found it had to cope with his seemingly sharp withdrawal of affection. It's actually somewhat heartbreaking.

A short version of this story is to say that after 7 short but perfect, idyllic months with my boyfriend, we moved in together. I had never in all my life felt so happy, secure, safe, loved, sexy, vital & alive. In other words, I had literally never felt this way with anyone before, & what was even better was that he seemed to feel the exact same way. As previous blog posts will hint, I was planning the wedding!

But almost immediately after moving in together, the little affectionate things he did stopped abruptly. The notes he would leave me around his house stopped. The signs that he was thinking about me during his working day stopped, the impossibly soppy texts stopped. It was so sudden & abrupt, I enetered into a state of confusion. What exactly had I done wrong? Was he having second thoughts? Insecurity crept in & it has failed to leave me ever since.

Then he was diagnosed as having depression, & was put on antidepressants. He thinks the depression was sparked by moving house. I felt so hurt just by that alone- we had so looked forward to moving, & had planned it all in fine detail. To hear him say that what we had so looked forward to together sparked his depression made me so sad.

I am totally devoted to this man, I will do everything I can to help him recover from this, but honestly, sometimes, I think...what about what me...? Is that just remarkably selfish? I miss that feeling of deep deep happiness, & I want it back.
I hadn't had the opportunity to really fully enjoy living with him before 'the real him' was stolen away by depression. I get the odd glimpse of him now & again, but those glimpses are few & far between & I never know when they will happen. In total honesty, I deeply miss him, it feels like knowing what love really is & then having it taken away.
For now it's time to keep staring at the horrible black dog in the corner.